You won't recover from a night like this
by Norma Jean the Dancing Machine
Summary: He knew it was the one night he would never forgive or forget. It was the night that changed everything in the long run. Ryan's thoughts on the Season 2 finale.


Breathe. That was the one thing Ryan Atwood was sure he knew how to do without ruining anything or anyone. It was the only thing he could do to keep himself alive at that very second. It was also the one thing that was causing him to drift off to different time, another place. Why couldn't he just focus on his studies? Here's why.

It was her.

It was him.

It was the night that changed everything in the long run. It was the night that Ryan Atwood, even though for a spilt second thought of no one but himself. It was the night where he lost his breath. It was a warm night like this, preceded by a lazy afternoon, though this time around too much work was to be done to be considered lazy. And this time around there was no promise of a sunny day by the pool with Seth and Summer, or a romantic evening with Marissa. That night, so many months ago changed Ryan. Though looking back, it was not the worst night in his life. It was night that led up to his worst night.

It was the night Marissa shot Trey that started this chain of events.

Ryan loved Marissa. Marissa loved Ryan. That's where the simplicity ended. Marissa was always in need of rescue, and Ryan won the knight in shining armor prize every time, much to his dismay and bashfulness. Somehow Marissa would manage to mess up her life, and Ryan was there to pick up the pieces. Things were finally getting better as junior year ended. Until Trey appeared. Ryan didn't trust his brother. Trey did things to hurt his brother. That's the simplicity of that. It was all a very sad and disappointing, but because Trey was leaving Newport, Ryan thought things would go back to normal. Or as normal as life in Newport usually was. Things were fine until Seth decided to be serious and told Ryan what really happened while they were in Miami. Something had been building in Ryan for months. It was a wall of pain and unvented anger. It was like a hard stone dropping in his stomach upon hearing the news. The wall collapsed and Ryan caved to the anger. He needed to confront his brother, and by confronting he meant at least a black eye. Violence was in his nature. Trey told him once that living in Chino just made it okay to punch whoever you wished. He was such a sweet older brother. But now they were in Newport, and at that certain moment, the same rule applied.

Ryan took a breath and recounted driving to Trey's apartment. Upon arrival he dashed from the car and pounded the door, revenge on the brain. Trey answered the door as though he expected his angry brother. That's when everything Ryan ever knew changed. This was no normal fight, and you could see it in Trey's eyes. They fought for a few seconds before Trey did the unexpected.

Trey pulled the gun on Ryan.

Now Trey Atwood was no model brother. He gave shiners like they were going out style, and even landed his brother in juvie. But, there was once a time where Trey Atwood would read his brother stories and cook instant mashed potatoes for dinner. Those days were officially over and a loaded gun met the surprised eyes of his brother. Ryan would not admit it until now, but he was frightened. He didn't care if Marissa was on her way over, or if Seth was upset about something. A loaded gun was in his face and he knew how possible it was for Trey to pull the trigger. Now he definitely wouldn't admit this, but tears began to cloud his vision. "_It doesn't have end like this. Please don't let it end like this"_ he thought. Ryan stilled loved Trey. Even though he went through chances like clothes, they were still blood. They were still family. His body was paralyzed in sorrow and fear. He swallowed and tried to breathe. He found that increasingly hard to do. All he could think about was a gun was to his head and the trigger could be pulled by his brother. That sadly enough was more than enough to kill there fragile relationship. But Ryan didn't want it to end like this. He didn't want to get killed by the one person who knew what he truly was. He didn't want to end his relationship with Trey this way. He didn't want to leave but in his heart he knew it would be better.

**_"_**_Breathe." _he thought, "_Just breathe. It will al be over soon."_

Too bad he didn't just breathe. With a rebel yell he leapt onto his brother and tried to cause as much physical pain as he was feeling emotionally. That was until Trey ended on top cutting off Ryan's air circulation. While struggling to breathe, Ryan saw Marissa enter the disheveled apartment. "_Always the wrong place and wrong time."_ he thought. He saw her pick up the gun and as his world began to dim, the fateful shot when off.

The quietest of shots was followed by the loudest of silences in that perfect moment. This moment was what defined Ryan Atwood. A life of violence into which he brought innocent people into. Innocent people that in that perfect moment destroyed so many lives. Innocent people who had their lives terribly altered and in the end wasted away. Marissa's life was determined by that moment on too.

No, it wasn't Marissa, Ryan blamed. He did blame himself heavily for many months until the night Marissa died. No, it wasn't Marissa's fault, and at the end of the day it wasn't all Ryan's fault.

It was Trey's.

If Trey didn't come to Newport Marissa would still be alive.

Trey never would have attacked her.

Ryan never would have turned on his brother to protect her.

Marissa never would have shot Trey landing her out of Harbor and into Newport Union.

Marissa never would have met Johnny causing his end.

Volchek would not be in the picture to kill Marissa. But was it really Volchek's fault? If Trey never came to Newport, Marissa would be alive, happy, and in the arms of Ryan.

Ryan took another breath. He let his eyes cloud up again in pain. He wanted to cry. He wanted to throw up to get this sick feeling out. He wanted to kiss Marissa once more. And though he knew he couldn't, he wanted his revenge. But most importantly, he wanted life to stop hurting so much after each breath he took.


End file.
